Planet of the Apes
**1/2

Having not seen the original Planet of the Apes, I went into this movie unknowing of what was to come. Ok, who am I kidding, everybody knows what Planet of the Apes is about, but then again, this version attempts to stand on its own as something else. Something a little more modern. Sadly, that moderness, among other other things, helps to screw this film up.

Here's the deal: Once the astronaut, Leo something-or-other, crash lands on mysterious planet of the apes, all he can think to do is get out as fast as he can. The apes hate the humans that live with them on the planet, and capture any they find. Leo leads a revolt, and the apes get pissed. Blah dee blah.

Here's what gets me. Why go through all the trouble to make all these well respected actors sit through five hours of makeup a piece, incredibly well-done makeup, only to have them spout out the most sparse and shallow dialogue known to man? Mark Wahlberg, who plays Leo seems to say nothing more is than required, and doesn't attempt to interact with anyone in particular. In fact that goes for pretty much everyone, except for the trader ape, Limbo (Paul Giamatti) who goes through one-liners like a madman.

Yes, one-liners. A human staple that the apes seemed to have picked up on. Same goes for the English language, poker playing, military rankings, leather jacket wearing, horse riding (?), and a slew of other human things. Great way to show how much you hate the humans, apes, by adopting all of their ways except for use of firearms. Is this satire, or is it just stupidity? You decide.

Like I said, the makeup is great. These guys look like real apes, move like real apes, and act like real apes. That's enough to add a star, but not enough to save a poor script that overflows with dumb logic.

-James Napier