Now trust me, there's some crazy stuff happening outside of our timid nation.  Just think of the Germans and their "Shiza Bootay Party Ich Veener Shnitzel", and the French and their "Out of Control:  Running  Headfirst Into le Brick Walls Repeatedly Part 9".  To be honest, I could have found more shocking things inside of a HEPA Filter equipped Air Purifier.  Perhaps in non-HEPAfied purifiers, as well.

 

Where to start... oh yeah, 'Just Kidding:  Censored in America' (which will from here on be referred to as Tom Hanks) promises extreme amounts of laughter and nudity, all of a variety that's just too hot for tv stateside.

 

And believe me, there is nudity.  All of the middle aged and up women you could ever want.  That cellulite is just too hot for tv in America.  I'll have to switch to the premium channels if I want to see liver spots that sexy.  I hope all this talk of these cold cream divas hasn't made you all too moist to continue, because Tom Hanks has so much more to offer us.

 

Though geriatric nudity is a high priority in Tom Hanks, it takes a back seat to British comedy.  Where else but Great Britain could you see such gut busting displays of apocalypse enducing hilarity as guys going around and pretend farting on 50 people.  I say 'pretend' because everything in the infomercial has a convenient added soundtrack to increase the funny.  We get a whole mess of canned laughter to assure us that we should, in fact, be laughing at what's happening on screen.  Also, not only will a guy fart on 50 people, but he'll produce three, count 'em, three different sounds, depending on his apparent mood.  You just can't buy that kind of entertainment folks... oh wait, you can!  It's just $9.95 plus $6.95 shipping and handling!

 

Now you might think $6.95 is a bit hefty for shipping.  "I may not know what capitalism is, but that's capitalism right there, man"  you might say.  Don't fret, however, as included in the set is a second video of more wig flipping absoludicrousness, as well as a Whoopi Cushion!!!!!!!!!!!  That's a -89 cent  value, buddy!  Now you can be the object of some bodybuilder's fist too!

 

"But James, what does Tom Hanks Volume 2 have to offer us?"

 

When the producers of Tom Hanks decided that fake farting was beyond their lofty taste, they decided that the audience would appreciate something really unacceptable in America.  Good old fashioned sexual harassment!

 

Where else but Tom Hanks:  Volume 2 could you see an authority figure, in this case a police officer,  pat pedestrians on the bootay with his nightstick?  Nowhere!  That's why it's so gosh darn heeeelarious!

Looking back on my time with this very special infomercial, I'm pleased to be reminded that some censorship is there for a reason, and that as a nation, we should be glad that we're not European.